I am scarily comfortable with paradox. The older I get, the more I seem to have no problem with saying things that must seem like contradictions to others. It gets to a point now where I think I should simply answer the question of whether I'm a polytheist or monotheist with a "yes." And there wouldn't be the least bit of contradiction in my eyes. I think that there are different realities. There is our day to day reality, and there is absolute reality, what we don't see unless we peak behind the curtain. If I look at our day to day reality, I can easily say that there are multiple gods because I have experienced them. They are a felt presence in my life.
When I used to do things like spirit journey, I would even have conversations with them. They were a source of wisdom that I could count on. But then I started to meditate in a way that let me see behind the curtain, so to speak. Then I didn't see any separation at all. There wasn't anything but unity. There was the One. And that is also a felt presence that I carry with me every day. I converse with that presence too, but it is a different way of talking. The language of the One is silence. Stillness takes me when I open myself up to the One. And then it becomes difficult to go back to the old view and start doing things like make offerings, hold rituals, and go on spirit journeys. How would those things even be necessary? I remember I asked one of my gods on a journey about why we would even need to give anything to the gods. Aren't you the source of the things we give you anyway? It's like returning a gift.
His response to me was that of course it made no sense to make any offering, and that the giving was not based in logic or the brain at all. He told me that I was trying to apply necessity and logic to something that did not require either to be "right." He told me that giving is a natural extension of love. When you love, you give. When you love, you see that it is good to give. You give what you can, no matter how little or seemingly meaningless because you want to. That's it.
I also asked this god why I couldn't journey like I used to. Everything happened too fast. There was no walking or flying or having to traverse anywhere the way shamans seem to do. And there were no vistas or magical realms. There was just Presence. All around me and within me. I could feel the gods and the spirits. I could communicate with them, but it seemed to happen within me and all around me. I wasn't somewhere else. It seemed to me that there was no otherworld to travel to. There were no upper worlds and lower worlds. There is just reality. So, I asked my god about that. He told me that it was because I didn't need the visions anymore, so I was starting to experience the "otherworld" stripped of my projections on it. The way he put it was, "You are starting to see things the way we do." By "we," he meant all the spirits that reside in the "otherworld." In truth, spirits reside everywhere and nowhere all at once. We create the otherworld every time we reach out to them, but they have always been right here all along, everywhere around us and within us. Where would we travel to? What other time or place is there other than the eternal Now? So, I close my eyes and bring my attention to spirit, and there everything is all at once.
That's what I meant yesterday by not having to journey anymore. There isn't a moment of my life when I don't feel the presence of the gods and the source of everything. Highly mystical, isn't it? Well, I do call myself a mystic, and this is one of the reasons why. This is also why I feel so conflicted when I do seek out community. I am that crazy, nomadic, paradoxical, monistic, monotheistic, polytheistic pagan that doesn't really fit anywhere, but also everywhere. It makes my relations with others complicated. As someone who enjoys working with Welsh gods and other Celtic deities, I can sometimes ruffle the feathers of reconstructionists who take a hard polytheistic stance.
I know that if I go through with my desire to start up a new group honoring the Welsh and Irish gods, I can potentially bring a whole storm of ridicule down on my head. Especially if I simultaneously build on my relationship with the One. But to do both is the only way I know how to live my life honestly. I have to do both to do what feels right, no matter how paradoxical or weird that might make me. Am I a monotheist or a polytheist? Yes.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I Belong Everywhere
I never really thought that 2013 would see in me a crisis of identity. Perhaps crisis is too strong of a word for the kind of thoughts I've been having, but I have been dealing with a confusion of sorts. I realized a month or so ago that I really miss ritual and prayer being a big part of my practice. As much as I love meditation, it did not seem to be enough for me. As much as mindfulness meditation is helpful in calming the mind, it does not do much for me in terms of quenching my spiritual thirsts. I think that this is mainly because for Buddhists there is no spiritual component, there is no thought or reaching out to God. I see Buddhism as a way to be spiritual without actually being spiritual. It's the best of both worlds, really. You get to be essentially an atheist in thought, but with all the trappings of a spiritualist. You get your cake, and you get to eat it too.
But, when I started out on the spiritual scene at the precocious age of eight, I was a Catholic, and I very much was seeking a personal relationship with God. It wasn't enough for me then to believe God, I had to experience Him. Even then, I was a mystic, seeking out mystical experiences and union with the divine. That's really what set me out on my way and into my exploration of many religions. I was a bit of a dabbler back then, so by the time I was fourteen I had dabbled in Catholic mysticism, Native American core shamanism, Tibetan and Japanese Buddhism, Taoism, New Age, and Wicca. I would have liked to really explore Druidism at that time, but that was closed to me due to scant printed material, and a young age that prevented me from joining any groups. I did eventually get involved in Druidism. I also dabbled in ceremonial magic and chaos magic, out of boredom, mostly. I even got into different transcendental meditation techniques. When my time in a Druid grove was over, I went through my phases. I got involved in a weird Christian/Hindu group that felt a little bit like a cult, but I did learn some helpful things that I still employ even now, so I can't be too unhappy about that. And when I hit my lowest of lows, it was Theravada Buddhism that saw me out of that darkness. It was a really dark time for me when I had completely lost faith in everything that I had ever believed. I no longer could be certain about any gods, God, or any spirituality at all. I was going full on cynical, skeptical, bitter atheist. I thought everything was bullshit and life was total crap. I thought life was complete suffering, then you simply ceased to exist.
I'm not sure if many of my friends knew about that dark time in my life. I know that I carried on as though everything was fine. I maybe, in desperation, laughed a bit more, partied a little harder, and was a little more promiscuous all for the sake of drowning out my emptiness. And that was when Theravada Buddhism finally started to make sense to me. I never took Buddhism very seriously before then. I liked the meditation, but I never really took the philosophy seriously. But, for someone who feels as though they have nothing left, and they feel as if their suffering has no end, Buddhism is a powerful medicine. It did see me through those dark times, and taught me powerful lessons. I was finally mindful and aware enough to see how I created a lot of my own suffering, and also how I was contributing to the suffering of others. It made me quieter, more introspective; it taught me compassion, and I was finally more peaceful. But, as I was becoming a better person, I also started to see in me another kind of emptiness that had gone unnoticed around all the other emptiness. I missed God. I missed the mystical that had so captured my heart as a child... the whole reason that I had even started with all of this stuff in the first place. But, I no longer knew whether any god existed at all.
I had never been a doubter, but now that I had spent years not even really thinking about divinity in any serious way, I wasn't sure how to approach the subject, but I was aware of a great thirst in me for the divine. During this time I was still supporting some of my pagan friends by attending their rituals. I still do this. And I suppose that my reasoning was that even though I didn't know if any God existed at all, this was still some kind of outlet for my mystical frustrations. I could at least pray with others, give offerings, and be a part of ritual, which I love very much. But it was very hollow because I was just going through the motions. Yes, I was making offerings, and yes I was saying the hymns, but there was no true reverence in the actions, because I had no faith.
Yet, still, I would go to these things. Why? My heart was crying out for divinity. I wanted the magical and the mystical. I used to feel it so strongly when I was younger. It was my whole reality and I wanted it back. This year, all of this longing in me came to a head. I didn't feel that I could deny my spiritual side any longer, but what form that spirituality would take for me had yet to be decided. Because one of the groups I associate with has a focus in shamanism, I thought I could look into that. So, I started researching the topic again, explored the ideas, and even tried a few journeys into the otherworld, only to realize that it isn't the right fit for me. Shamanism is a beautiful string of traditions that I have a great respect for, but it is not what my heart is hungry for. In fact, any attempt to "enter" the otherworld felt entirely forced and a lot like make-believe. My understanding of spirituality has changed too much for me to journey like I used to. Given my pantheistic, monistic conception of the world, there really would be nowhere to go or anything to see. Any knowledge that we would receive from the beyond could be given to us directly in the form of insight and inspiration without the need to weave a story around it. I think people create the stories and the images, the worlds, because they still need them. So, that won't do for me. I do believe that there is a wealth of insight that we can receive from spirits and the divine source, but it is of the instantaneous kind. At least, that is what experience has taught me.
I thought, perhaps, that even though the shamanic stuff was not for me, I could still work within a polytheistic mindset. Many of my friends are polytheists. I know how it can be a very rewarding mindset, very enriching, but even when I considered myself a polytheist, I struggled with the concept.
I suppose that was my dirty little secret from when I was a Druid. Even then, at the height of my polytheistic practice, I still thought of all of them as pretty much being one God. That certainly is not something unheard of in the pagan community. I know of many Wiccans that prescribe to that same notion of divinity. For them there is a great spirit that divides to a lord and lady, then further divides to all the worlds' gods and goddesses. And, really, if I were to be a pagan, that is the only way I can logically rationalize polytheism. I have never once in my life been a hard polytheist. In truth, I am polytheist in the same way many Hindus are polytheist; all the gods and all reality itself is ultimately one Supreme Being. So, what does that mean for me and my attempts at finding a path? I wonder if that question is there only because I know what I would like to do, but I am scared of the idea.
I would really just like to strike out on my own and create my own tradition that encapsulates all that I love about religion and all that I think is true of God. When all of your friends are pagan, it can be a little scary to admit that you're a monotheist. There is always that fear of being looked down on. But what if you are a pagan AND a monotheist? Then where do you belong in the world? I am not a Jew, Christian, Muslim, or Hindu. When I speak of God I mean nothing to do with those religions. I speak about the God that is outside all religions or all attempts to constrain and define that God. I speak of a God that belongs to all of us, not just some of us. I believe in a God that is everything, than can be anything, and that is in our lives no matter what form we ask Him to take. One God for those who ask, several gods for those who ask, or simply a feeling of contentment, peace and quiet from time to time for those that ask nothing.
At a certain point, I know there won't be any turning back for me. This conception of God is something that has always been with me under the surface. Most of the time I've been too shy, too embarrassed, too much in denial to admit it out loud. I have been afraid of ridicule because I am in the no man's land between all religions that few ever desire to venture. I am a wandering nomad that sees God in every soul and feels just as at home at a Catholic Sunday mass as he does at a Hindu kirtan and a pagan high day celebration, and only feels joy at seeing the diversity that exists in honoring the divine. Rather than limiting myself, I want to acknowledge and celebrate the lack of limitations and embrace the hope that anything is possible. And I want to embrace my mystic heart's desire to know God and see God in every single aspect of life. Rather than lamenting that I don't belong anywhere, I'd rather take the optimistic stance that I only ever felt that way because in truth I belong everywhere!
I do believe that is the only way that I will find the peace that I seek. I don't have a religion. I have a God. And this God is so large, so infinite, that every religion honors a part of Him. And because of that, all religions are my religion.
But, when I started out on the spiritual scene at the precocious age of eight, I was a Catholic, and I very much was seeking a personal relationship with God. It wasn't enough for me then to believe God, I had to experience Him. Even then, I was a mystic, seeking out mystical experiences and union with the divine. That's really what set me out on my way and into my exploration of many religions. I was a bit of a dabbler back then, so by the time I was fourteen I had dabbled in Catholic mysticism, Native American core shamanism, Tibetan and Japanese Buddhism, Taoism, New Age, and Wicca. I would have liked to really explore Druidism at that time, but that was closed to me due to scant printed material, and a young age that prevented me from joining any groups. I did eventually get involved in Druidism. I also dabbled in ceremonial magic and chaos magic, out of boredom, mostly. I even got into different transcendental meditation techniques. When my time in a Druid grove was over, I went through my phases. I got involved in a weird Christian/Hindu group that felt a little bit like a cult, but I did learn some helpful things that I still employ even now, so I can't be too unhappy about that. And when I hit my lowest of lows, it was Theravada Buddhism that saw me out of that darkness. It was a really dark time for me when I had completely lost faith in everything that I had ever believed. I no longer could be certain about any gods, God, or any spirituality at all. I was going full on cynical, skeptical, bitter atheist. I thought everything was bullshit and life was total crap. I thought life was complete suffering, then you simply ceased to exist.
I'm not sure if many of my friends knew about that dark time in my life. I know that I carried on as though everything was fine. I maybe, in desperation, laughed a bit more, partied a little harder, and was a little more promiscuous all for the sake of drowning out my emptiness. And that was when Theravada Buddhism finally started to make sense to me. I never took Buddhism very seriously before then. I liked the meditation, but I never really took the philosophy seriously. But, for someone who feels as though they have nothing left, and they feel as if their suffering has no end, Buddhism is a powerful medicine. It did see me through those dark times, and taught me powerful lessons. I was finally mindful and aware enough to see how I created a lot of my own suffering, and also how I was contributing to the suffering of others. It made me quieter, more introspective; it taught me compassion, and I was finally more peaceful. But, as I was becoming a better person, I also started to see in me another kind of emptiness that had gone unnoticed around all the other emptiness. I missed God. I missed the mystical that had so captured my heart as a child... the whole reason that I had even started with all of this stuff in the first place. But, I no longer knew whether any god existed at all.
I had never been a doubter, but now that I had spent years not even really thinking about divinity in any serious way, I wasn't sure how to approach the subject, but I was aware of a great thirst in me for the divine. During this time I was still supporting some of my pagan friends by attending their rituals. I still do this. And I suppose that my reasoning was that even though I didn't know if any God existed at all, this was still some kind of outlet for my mystical frustrations. I could at least pray with others, give offerings, and be a part of ritual, which I love very much. But it was very hollow because I was just going through the motions. Yes, I was making offerings, and yes I was saying the hymns, but there was no true reverence in the actions, because I had no faith.
Yet, still, I would go to these things. Why? My heart was crying out for divinity. I wanted the magical and the mystical. I used to feel it so strongly when I was younger. It was my whole reality and I wanted it back. This year, all of this longing in me came to a head. I didn't feel that I could deny my spiritual side any longer, but what form that spirituality would take for me had yet to be decided. Because one of the groups I associate with has a focus in shamanism, I thought I could look into that. So, I started researching the topic again, explored the ideas, and even tried a few journeys into the otherworld, only to realize that it isn't the right fit for me. Shamanism is a beautiful string of traditions that I have a great respect for, but it is not what my heart is hungry for. In fact, any attempt to "enter" the otherworld felt entirely forced and a lot like make-believe. My understanding of spirituality has changed too much for me to journey like I used to. Given my pantheistic, monistic conception of the world, there really would be nowhere to go or anything to see. Any knowledge that we would receive from the beyond could be given to us directly in the form of insight and inspiration without the need to weave a story around it. I think people create the stories and the images, the worlds, because they still need them. So, that won't do for me. I do believe that there is a wealth of insight that we can receive from spirits and the divine source, but it is of the instantaneous kind. At least, that is what experience has taught me.
I thought, perhaps, that even though the shamanic stuff was not for me, I could still work within a polytheistic mindset. Many of my friends are polytheists. I know how it can be a very rewarding mindset, very enriching, but even when I considered myself a polytheist, I struggled with the concept.
I suppose that was my dirty little secret from when I was a Druid. Even then, at the height of my polytheistic practice, I still thought of all of them as pretty much being one God. That certainly is not something unheard of in the pagan community. I know of many Wiccans that prescribe to that same notion of divinity. For them there is a great spirit that divides to a lord and lady, then further divides to all the worlds' gods and goddesses. And, really, if I were to be a pagan, that is the only way I can logically rationalize polytheism. I have never once in my life been a hard polytheist. In truth, I am polytheist in the same way many Hindus are polytheist; all the gods and all reality itself is ultimately one Supreme Being. So, what does that mean for me and my attempts at finding a path? I wonder if that question is there only because I know what I would like to do, but I am scared of the idea.
I would really just like to strike out on my own and create my own tradition that encapsulates all that I love about religion and all that I think is true of God. When all of your friends are pagan, it can be a little scary to admit that you're a monotheist. There is always that fear of being looked down on. But what if you are a pagan AND a monotheist? Then where do you belong in the world? I am not a Jew, Christian, Muslim, or Hindu. When I speak of God I mean nothing to do with those religions. I speak about the God that is outside all religions or all attempts to constrain and define that God. I speak of a God that belongs to all of us, not just some of us. I believe in a God that is everything, than can be anything, and that is in our lives no matter what form we ask Him to take. One God for those who ask, several gods for those who ask, or simply a feeling of contentment, peace and quiet from time to time for those that ask nothing.
At a certain point, I know there won't be any turning back for me. This conception of God is something that has always been with me under the surface. Most of the time I've been too shy, too embarrassed, too much in denial to admit it out loud. I have been afraid of ridicule because I am in the no man's land between all religions that few ever desire to venture. I am a wandering nomad that sees God in every soul and feels just as at home at a Catholic Sunday mass as he does at a Hindu kirtan and a pagan high day celebration, and only feels joy at seeing the diversity that exists in honoring the divine. Rather than limiting myself, I want to acknowledge and celebrate the lack of limitations and embrace the hope that anything is possible. And I want to embrace my mystic heart's desire to know God and see God in every single aspect of life. Rather than lamenting that I don't belong anywhere, I'd rather take the optimistic stance that I only ever felt that way because in truth I belong everywhere!
I do believe that is the only way that I will find the peace that I seek. I don't have a religion. I have a God. And this God is so large, so infinite, that every religion honors a part of Him. And because of that, all religions are my religion.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Monism, panentheism, animism
Monism, panentheism, and animism pretty much describe my views on divinity in descending order. I believe that all that exists in one thing at the most fundamental level. If we want to use the term "God," then I am saying that we are all God, but at the level of reality that I am discussing, we really couldn't say what this one thing is other than existence itself. It would not have any other characteristic to define it. It is completely unlimited and unbounded. Then we move to panentheism, in which this one thing that cannot be defined or limited allows a part of itself to be defined and limited. In this model, the entire universe is within the unlimited body of God. Now we have limited and unlimited, created and creator, we have duality. But, even that which is created is not actually created. Its essence is the same as God. All that has happened is that God has divided himself into various forms, all the forms that we see around us, and all the instances of those forms.
This is where the animism comes in. If everything is, in essence, God, then everything is imbued with certain qualities of God. Namely, a kind of consciousness that we can call, for the sake of simplicity, a soul. Everything around us is as alive as we are. This creates the possibility for various gods to exist if understood as the souls or consciousnesses of various material and immaterial parts of our reality. We see this animist understanding of gods and goddesses all over the world. The earth, the sun, the moon, various rivers and lakes, the oceans, animals on the earth, ancestors, are all seen as sacred and worthy of veneration. What is very telling is how these cultures that have an animist view of the cosmos also happen to view the gods as ancestors. They are the children of these beings, and these beings are the children of the unknowable one.
I have found this to be the case among the Welsh pantheon as well. Many of the gods are seen to be ancestors of the Welsh people. Our hearts open up to compassion when we view the world around us as our family, as a part of us. If you can see the sky and sun above you as your grandfather, the earth beneath your feet as your grandmother, all living things on the planet as your mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers, then you tread more carefully through life. You are less selfish. Even less so when you see that beyond this familial understanding of the souls around you, they are you and you are them.
How might we speak to others and act toward others if we actually acknowledged our deep connection to them? What makes this even more beautiful is that we really are related. Science confirms this for us. If you trace the lineages far back enough, all of us are related. Not only as humans, but as animals. All life on this planet started in the same place. And when you think on how it was only possible for organic life on this earth to come into being and evolve because there was land and sea and sky, then you seem the deep interconnection and interdependence that exists there.
This view I've detailed fills me with awe. I look at nature and see that I am a part of it. I am a part of the air, the sea, and the earth. I am a part of every tree, every plant, every stone, every animal, and every person. They are alive in the same way I am alive. I am they and they are me. That's magical, and wonderful. Just this small understanding has the ability to create better relations between us if we can only accept this truth. We are one.
This is where the animism comes in. If everything is, in essence, God, then everything is imbued with certain qualities of God. Namely, a kind of consciousness that we can call, for the sake of simplicity, a soul. Everything around us is as alive as we are. This creates the possibility for various gods to exist if understood as the souls or consciousnesses of various material and immaterial parts of our reality. We see this animist understanding of gods and goddesses all over the world. The earth, the sun, the moon, various rivers and lakes, the oceans, animals on the earth, ancestors, are all seen as sacred and worthy of veneration. What is very telling is how these cultures that have an animist view of the cosmos also happen to view the gods as ancestors. They are the children of these beings, and these beings are the children of the unknowable one.
I have found this to be the case among the Welsh pantheon as well. Many of the gods are seen to be ancestors of the Welsh people. Our hearts open up to compassion when we view the world around us as our family, as a part of us. If you can see the sky and sun above you as your grandfather, the earth beneath your feet as your grandmother, all living things on the planet as your mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers, then you tread more carefully through life. You are less selfish. Even less so when you see that beyond this familial understanding of the souls around you, they are you and you are them.
How might we speak to others and act toward others if we actually acknowledged our deep connection to them? What makes this even more beautiful is that we really are related. Science confirms this for us. If you trace the lineages far back enough, all of us are related. Not only as humans, but as animals. All life on this planet started in the same place. And when you think on how it was only possible for organic life on this earth to come into being and evolve because there was land and sea and sky, then you seem the deep interconnection and interdependence that exists there.
This view I've detailed fills me with awe. I look at nature and see that I am a part of it. I am a part of the air, the sea, and the earth. I am a part of every tree, every plant, every stone, every animal, and every person. They are alive in the same way I am alive. I am they and they are me. That's magical, and wonderful. Just this small understanding has the ability to create better relations between us if we can only accept this truth. We are one.
Old and new ideas, old and new experiences
I've been feeling really shaken up spiritually in the last couple weeks. I went to a beautiful ritual a couple weeks ago that made me miss all the work I used to do. It was a reminder of how I used to really be in tune with nature, and a reminder of how alive I felt as someone who had an earth based spirituality. The current state of my practice, which is really just reading, writing, meditating, and talking about spiritual stuff, is a shadow of the actual amount of activity I used to have in my path. That is something that has occurred to me on more than one occasion. I just haven't known what to do about that.
I used to consider myself a druid. I worked with Welsh gods and goddesses. For awhile, it worked. But then it didn't. And even though I've always missed that path, I have found it difficult to be a part of that community again. I used to love the word "druid." Very few words have ever had the ability to evoke feelings of mystery and magic in me, but that was one of those words. This was especially the case when I discovered the word around the age of nine. I wanted so desperately to be a druid. Growing up with that magical word, and wanting so badly to be a part of it, I would have never believed that I would one day be filled with dread, frustration, and annoyance when hearing that word. I suppose I feel a bit as though something quite special was robbed from me. It feels as though I had a home and then it was gone, and all my religious meandering over the past few years has been in search of a new one. Only, I have not found it. I miss the sense of identity and belonging I felt being a druid. I miss knowing exactly who and what I am and how I fit into the world. I miss being a part of a world wrought with meaning and symbolism.
I've wanted a middle ground between the cerebral/philosophical and the mystical/ecstatic. Preferably, a path that sees the entire universe as sacred. I want more than just the idea. I want the path. I used to think that Druidism was exactly that. Then, many wanted to tell me otherwise. And I let them. Mainly because I believed them. I got frustrated, so I gave up. I didn't hold fast to my own ideas of what Druidism is: an animist path that puts us in relationship with the cosmos.
I'm tempted to take the word back. Working with shamanic ritual from multiple traditions has made me see the correlations between them and Celtic animism as I always envisioned it, and as my research of the topic has revealed it. I always thought of the Celtic worldview and spirituality as more shamanic than not. Druidism as a path seems to me to have been co-opted by ceremonial magicians and would-be philosophers. That always bothered me.
I remember the debates that would spark up in the druid organization to which I belonged any time someone would even hint at the possibility that the druids may have been shamanic. Some people could not disassociate the word from its first use to describe magician/healers of northeastern Europe. They didn't see the irony in arguing that "shaman" was a term that could only be used for that particular culture as they practiced Roman "Druidism" and Scandinavian "Druidism" and Vedic "Druidism and Norse "Druidism"... More than a little cognitive dissonance going on there. I was never really sure what the hell they thought Druidism was, then.
You have a culture in which there is a wisdom keeper class that acts as mediators between the material and spiritual worlds, that interprets messages from the gods and all manner of spirits, healers who made use of herbs, potions, rituals and incantations, who would enter trances, who would be infused with divine inspiration and esoteric knowledge... Just what exactly would you call such people? When seen in a global context and compared to the many mystical traditions out there, where does Druidism fit best? I would say that it fits shamanism, as defined as a global phenomena, much more than it does the ceremonial magical traditions that are built on Kabbalah and Egyptian mysticism with more than a sprinkle of imagination. I get that my views won't be popular with those that have their own views set and aren't willing to entertain alternative theories. When the evidence that exists is as scant as it is for the druids of old, it leaves a lot of space for the individual to fill with his or her own wants. We each create our own Druidism, it would seem, given that we can all look at the same source material and come to such different interpretations.
At the end of the day, my view is as valid as the next one, given what we know. It may not be the most prevalent view in the community as it currently stands, but I am by no means the only one to hold this particular theory about the druids of the past and what the modern path could be. I am tempted to explore the path as I had wanted it to be because it takes me out of my purely philosophical thinking and balances me between heart and mind. I know that this is a big shift in my writing that has come quite suddenly. I wasn't expecting it. Actually, such a radical change in thought threw me on my ass. I've spent two weeks in an existential panic as I dealt with the fact that I never really stopped being pagan. When I took a look at my life and saw that all my best friends are pagan in one form or another, that every single girlfriend I've had has been pagan, that even when I considered myself a Buddhist, I spent the majority of my time going to pagan rituals, that most of the books I own on spirituality are pagan, I saw that I never actually left. Sure, I left the organization behind, I left my grove, and I cut ties with a lot of people, but I never actually left the pagan worldview. I really did try. And I thought that I had. I thought I was done with all this stuff. I was so done, that on the day of the ritual I keep referencing, I had already planned it out in my head that I would let my group know that this stuff wasn't for me, that I probably wouldn't be showing up anymore.
Instead of that happening, I was filled with a sense of having a thirst quenched, and I didn't even know I was thirsty! But, there I was, all dried up, not even knowing it, and cool waters filled me body and soul. I'm not sure what I will make of the thoughts I've been having lately. it's all very sudden, and very confusing, but I'm glad that I've been having them. I've already been paying attention to the world around me more because of them. I've been listening to the wind, smelling the fragrances of spring flowers, and feeling the sensations of sun and moon on my skin in a way that I haven't in a long time. I feel awake! However all this resolves itself, I know that my path will always be at least a little pagan. it's a part of who I am.
I used to consider myself a druid. I worked with Welsh gods and goddesses. For awhile, it worked. But then it didn't. And even though I've always missed that path, I have found it difficult to be a part of that community again. I used to love the word "druid." Very few words have ever had the ability to evoke feelings of mystery and magic in me, but that was one of those words. This was especially the case when I discovered the word around the age of nine. I wanted so desperately to be a druid. Growing up with that magical word, and wanting so badly to be a part of it, I would have never believed that I would one day be filled with dread, frustration, and annoyance when hearing that word. I suppose I feel a bit as though something quite special was robbed from me. It feels as though I had a home and then it was gone, and all my religious meandering over the past few years has been in search of a new one. Only, I have not found it. I miss the sense of identity and belonging I felt being a druid. I miss knowing exactly who and what I am and how I fit into the world. I miss being a part of a world wrought with meaning and symbolism.
I've wanted a middle ground between the cerebral/philosophical and the mystical/ecstatic. Preferably, a path that sees the entire universe as sacred. I want more than just the idea. I want the path. I used to think that Druidism was exactly that. Then, many wanted to tell me otherwise. And I let them. Mainly because I believed them. I got frustrated, so I gave up. I didn't hold fast to my own ideas of what Druidism is: an animist path that puts us in relationship with the cosmos.
I'm tempted to take the word back. Working with shamanic ritual from multiple traditions has made me see the correlations between them and Celtic animism as I always envisioned it, and as my research of the topic has revealed it. I always thought of the Celtic worldview and spirituality as more shamanic than not. Druidism as a path seems to me to have been co-opted by ceremonial magicians and would-be philosophers. That always bothered me.
I remember the debates that would spark up in the druid organization to which I belonged any time someone would even hint at the possibility that the druids may have been shamanic. Some people could not disassociate the word from its first use to describe magician/healers of northeastern Europe. They didn't see the irony in arguing that "shaman" was a term that could only be used for that particular culture as they practiced Roman "Druidism" and Scandinavian "Druidism" and Vedic "Druidism and Norse "Druidism"... More than a little cognitive dissonance going on there. I was never really sure what the hell they thought Druidism was, then.
You have a culture in which there is a wisdom keeper class that acts as mediators between the material and spiritual worlds, that interprets messages from the gods and all manner of spirits, healers who made use of herbs, potions, rituals and incantations, who would enter trances, who would be infused with divine inspiration and esoteric knowledge... Just what exactly would you call such people? When seen in a global context and compared to the many mystical traditions out there, where does Druidism fit best? I would say that it fits shamanism, as defined as a global phenomena, much more than it does the ceremonial magical traditions that are built on Kabbalah and Egyptian mysticism with more than a sprinkle of imagination. I get that my views won't be popular with those that have their own views set and aren't willing to entertain alternative theories. When the evidence that exists is as scant as it is for the druids of old, it leaves a lot of space for the individual to fill with his or her own wants. We each create our own Druidism, it would seem, given that we can all look at the same source material and come to such different interpretations.
At the end of the day, my view is as valid as the next one, given what we know. It may not be the most prevalent view in the community as it currently stands, but I am by no means the only one to hold this particular theory about the druids of the past and what the modern path could be. I am tempted to explore the path as I had wanted it to be because it takes me out of my purely philosophical thinking and balances me between heart and mind. I know that this is a big shift in my writing that has come quite suddenly. I wasn't expecting it. Actually, such a radical change in thought threw me on my ass. I've spent two weeks in an existential panic as I dealt with the fact that I never really stopped being pagan. When I took a look at my life and saw that all my best friends are pagan in one form or another, that every single girlfriend I've had has been pagan, that even when I considered myself a Buddhist, I spent the majority of my time going to pagan rituals, that most of the books I own on spirituality are pagan, I saw that I never actually left. Sure, I left the organization behind, I left my grove, and I cut ties with a lot of people, but I never actually left the pagan worldview. I really did try. And I thought that I had. I thought I was done with all this stuff. I was so done, that on the day of the ritual I keep referencing, I had already planned it out in my head that I would let my group know that this stuff wasn't for me, that I probably wouldn't be showing up anymore.
Instead of that happening, I was filled with a sense of having a thirst quenched, and I didn't even know I was thirsty! But, there I was, all dried up, not even knowing it, and cool waters filled me body and soul. I'm not sure what I will make of the thoughts I've been having lately. it's all very sudden, and very confusing, but I'm glad that I've been having them. I've already been paying attention to the world around me more because of them. I've been listening to the wind, smelling the fragrances of spring flowers, and feeling the sensations of sun and moon on my skin in a way that I haven't in a long time. I feel awake! However all this resolves itself, I know that my path will always be at least a little pagan. it's a part of who I am.
Monday, March 18, 2013
On equal footing with God
I was quite unexpectedly and happily released from class early today, so I thought I'd make good use of it and do some writing! So here I am with my English breakfast tea and ginger snaps ready to flip everything on its head again! Well, not really. But I've noticed a general trend in my blog posts that I'm trying (and probably failing) to break. A lot of this blog has become about whether or not I like Buddhism, whether or not I believe in God, whether or not I will follow a path... In other words, my blog seems to be filled with more indecision than I possess in actuality. So, I think that maybe I should make a definitive statement about what I really believe, really practice, and where I see this blog going in the foreseeable future.
For starters, I am very much sticking to my guns. I love Buddhism. I think it falls short in too many places for me to actually follow it as my path. It is limited in that, like most religions, it pretends to have a monopoly on salvation, liberation, enlightenment, whatever you want to call it. I just won't stand for that. There is no one true way. There might be more expedient means to enlightenment, but I believe that comes down to a certain understanding, mindset, and practice that can emerge in anyone no matter the path or non-path they follow. I think that all the roads we walk lead to the exact same place. Some are just way more meandering than others. I don't think that Buddhism is the key to anything. It has useful tools and mindsets that are missing from the other large world religions as practiced by the majority of the world. I think I love it because it is a large religion recognized the world over that is actually founded on introspection, meditation, and compassion. The other big ones have become consumer religions that offer nothing but platitudes and the illusion of comfort without actively bringing the followers closer to the source. The majority of followers remain unchanged by those religions. They exit as they entered. For the most part. I'm generalizing on the global scale, so there will be thousands of exceptions, to be sure, but the majority take it on faith that their religion is helping them get closer to God without seeing any results beyond the near childish answer of prayers. God is a magical entity that enters their lives to right their wrongs... Unlikely.
People on the outside of Buddhism might be surprised that Buddha isn't a god. Sad that there is still a misunderstanding on that one. He was a man. An ordinary man that sought out answers and felt that he found them. Those more in the know are familiar with Buddha's mortality, but they still may not know that Buddha believed in gods and spirits. There is a strong atheist vein in Western Buddhism that I have criticized before. They gloss over the fact that the Buddha's world was full of gods. What Buddha didn't believe was that the gods were in a position to help us. This is because Buddha saw us as empowered beings. We are responsible for our fates. He believed that we live in a world based on cause and effect. This also applied to the gods. The consequences of our actions are our own responsibility. If we want a better future, praying for it does nothing. Only making a better present makes a better future. We are on equal footing with the gods in this respect. Our personal destinies belong to no one else and cannot be changed by an outside force because the only way to change someone's destiny is to change that person, and we can only do that for ourselves. Anyone who has tried to change another person knows the futility of even trying. The gods have the same dilemma. They can only change what is outside of you, provide opportunities for your betterment and spiritual growth, but it is for you to be aware enough and willing enough to see those opportunities for what they are and take them. The whole universe could open the metaphorical door for you, but it is only by your own willpower that you step through it.
I enjoy that Buddhism emphasizes this kind of responsibility. Christians can continue to be determinists and equate themselves with sheep, which amuses me, but you'll never hear a song like "Buddha, Take the Wheel." The only wheel in Buddhism is the dhamma wheel, which is reality itself, including the skillful means to navigate through that reality. We are the only ones that can do that navigation.
And that is my outlook on God, really. I do believe in God, even though I concede that there is no physical evidence for God. That doesn't trouble me since I believe that the whole universe is part of God. Trying to find physical evidence of God is a bit like a fish in the ocean looking for a cup of water. From the fish's perspective, the cup will always look empty. So, I'm done with that part of philosophy that seeks to prove God. Every single argument is just as unconvincing as the last. I don't think the full scope of God can be known intellectually. God in its fullness can only be experienced in a way that is supra-conceptual.
That is why I continue to think that the best way to label me is as a mystic. I believe in the transformative power of mysticism. Meditation can open our eyes to the truth. What I'm realizing is that Buddhism doesn't own that either. It is easy to start thinking that since Buddhism is ahead of the curve that it is the best way to discover truth, but that would be a mistake. The truth is bigger than any religion, any practice, or any person. The only truth we can hold in our hearts and be responsible for is our own truth, knowing full well that truth and God, another word for truth, is boundless, purely without limit. Any attempt to label, define, or in any way quantify and qualify the universe is to diminish it. And any attempt to make the truth we carry into someone else's truth is to make the assumption that ours is better, more complete. This is not to say that everyone is right. It is just arrogant to assume that it is our responsibility to tell others they are wrong. Our intellect can never hold enough of the truth to do anything like that effectively. If you feel in your heart that you have experienced the truth of the universe, and now carry it with you, then simple carry it. Live your life, and your actions and speech will illustrate your understanding better than any self-righteous proselytizing will ever do. I think that those that attempt to convert others to their way of thinking with smug and overtly confident airs are the most insecure in their beliefs. If you know, then it is enough that you know. You are at peace with life.
That is the way I am trying to approach things for myself. I started out years ago on the spiritual path, confident that I would one day be an amazing teacher of spirituality. I was arrogant, too confident, prideful, certain without any right to be. Life and my continually evolving thoughts on truth have stripped me of much of my arrogance and certainty, but not enough. I know that it isn't enough because I still want to be a spiritual teacher. I still have enough hubris to think I'm the right guy for the job. I am thankful to the universe that I have had enough humbling experiences to keep my mouth shut most of the time.
So, rather than thinking of this blog as some kind of launching pad, I'm more comfortable seeing this blog as a sounding board. I listen to what bounces back to my ears and refine my thoughts further, chart my progress, and see if I can make myself more humble, more compassionate, more quiet. I want to be more selective with my words. I've thrown them around too much in an attempt to prove myself as a teacher. These days I'm much more concerned with proving myself a good person. The rest will take care of itself.
For starters, I am very much sticking to my guns. I love Buddhism. I think it falls short in too many places for me to actually follow it as my path. It is limited in that, like most religions, it pretends to have a monopoly on salvation, liberation, enlightenment, whatever you want to call it. I just won't stand for that. There is no one true way. There might be more expedient means to enlightenment, but I believe that comes down to a certain understanding, mindset, and practice that can emerge in anyone no matter the path or non-path they follow. I think that all the roads we walk lead to the exact same place. Some are just way more meandering than others. I don't think that Buddhism is the key to anything. It has useful tools and mindsets that are missing from the other large world religions as practiced by the majority of the world. I think I love it because it is a large religion recognized the world over that is actually founded on introspection, meditation, and compassion. The other big ones have become consumer religions that offer nothing but platitudes and the illusion of comfort without actively bringing the followers closer to the source. The majority of followers remain unchanged by those religions. They exit as they entered. For the most part. I'm generalizing on the global scale, so there will be thousands of exceptions, to be sure, but the majority take it on faith that their religion is helping them get closer to God without seeing any results beyond the near childish answer of prayers. God is a magical entity that enters their lives to right their wrongs... Unlikely.
People on the outside of Buddhism might be surprised that Buddha isn't a god. Sad that there is still a misunderstanding on that one. He was a man. An ordinary man that sought out answers and felt that he found them. Those more in the know are familiar with Buddha's mortality, but they still may not know that Buddha believed in gods and spirits. There is a strong atheist vein in Western Buddhism that I have criticized before. They gloss over the fact that the Buddha's world was full of gods. What Buddha didn't believe was that the gods were in a position to help us. This is because Buddha saw us as empowered beings. We are responsible for our fates. He believed that we live in a world based on cause and effect. This also applied to the gods. The consequences of our actions are our own responsibility. If we want a better future, praying for it does nothing. Only making a better present makes a better future. We are on equal footing with the gods in this respect. Our personal destinies belong to no one else and cannot be changed by an outside force because the only way to change someone's destiny is to change that person, and we can only do that for ourselves. Anyone who has tried to change another person knows the futility of even trying. The gods have the same dilemma. They can only change what is outside of you, provide opportunities for your betterment and spiritual growth, but it is for you to be aware enough and willing enough to see those opportunities for what they are and take them. The whole universe could open the metaphorical door for you, but it is only by your own willpower that you step through it.
I enjoy that Buddhism emphasizes this kind of responsibility. Christians can continue to be determinists and equate themselves with sheep, which amuses me, but you'll never hear a song like "Buddha, Take the Wheel." The only wheel in Buddhism is the dhamma wheel, which is reality itself, including the skillful means to navigate through that reality. We are the only ones that can do that navigation.
And that is my outlook on God, really. I do believe in God, even though I concede that there is no physical evidence for God. That doesn't trouble me since I believe that the whole universe is part of God. Trying to find physical evidence of God is a bit like a fish in the ocean looking for a cup of water. From the fish's perspective, the cup will always look empty. So, I'm done with that part of philosophy that seeks to prove God. Every single argument is just as unconvincing as the last. I don't think the full scope of God can be known intellectually. God in its fullness can only be experienced in a way that is supra-conceptual.
That is why I continue to think that the best way to label me is as a mystic. I believe in the transformative power of mysticism. Meditation can open our eyes to the truth. What I'm realizing is that Buddhism doesn't own that either. It is easy to start thinking that since Buddhism is ahead of the curve that it is the best way to discover truth, but that would be a mistake. The truth is bigger than any religion, any practice, or any person. The only truth we can hold in our hearts and be responsible for is our own truth, knowing full well that truth and God, another word for truth, is boundless, purely without limit. Any attempt to label, define, or in any way quantify and qualify the universe is to diminish it. And any attempt to make the truth we carry into someone else's truth is to make the assumption that ours is better, more complete. This is not to say that everyone is right. It is just arrogant to assume that it is our responsibility to tell others they are wrong. Our intellect can never hold enough of the truth to do anything like that effectively. If you feel in your heart that you have experienced the truth of the universe, and now carry it with you, then simple carry it. Live your life, and your actions and speech will illustrate your understanding better than any self-righteous proselytizing will ever do. I think that those that attempt to convert others to their way of thinking with smug and overtly confident airs are the most insecure in their beliefs. If you know, then it is enough that you know. You are at peace with life.
That is the way I am trying to approach things for myself. I started out years ago on the spiritual path, confident that I would one day be an amazing teacher of spirituality. I was arrogant, too confident, prideful, certain without any right to be. Life and my continually evolving thoughts on truth have stripped me of much of my arrogance and certainty, but not enough. I know that it isn't enough because I still want to be a spiritual teacher. I still have enough hubris to think I'm the right guy for the job. I am thankful to the universe that I have had enough humbling experiences to keep my mouth shut most of the time.
So, rather than thinking of this blog as some kind of launching pad, I'm more comfortable seeing this blog as a sounding board. I listen to what bounces back to my ears and refine my thoughts further, chart my progress, and see if I can make myself more humble, more compassionate, more quiet. I want to be more selective with my words. I've thrown them around too much in an attempt to prove myself as a teacher. These days I'm much more concerned with proving myself a good person. The rest will take care of itself.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
The five precepts and today is the best day ever
1. Abstaining from killing
2. Abstaining from stealing
3. Abstaining from speaking falsely
4. Abstaining from sexual misconduct
5. Abstaining from misusing alcohol or other intoxicants
These are the five precepts that are undertaken as lifetime vows in Buddhism. They are not undertaken because of any concept of sin. They are undertaken because killing, stealing, lying, misusing sexuality, and using intoxicants cause suffering for ourselves and others. We take the vows out of respect for life. And they're not always easy to follow. Sure, killing is easy enough not to do. At least most of the time. Unless it's a cockroach or a spider. Or ants. I've killed a lot of those things! It's really hard to stop doing that, but that is killing too! But, all in all, I feel pretty comfortable with that precept. Even stealing is something that I don't have to worry too much about. About the closest I get to stealing is eating food that someone in my house had bought for themselves and I mistakenly thought was communal. I don't lie in any serious way either. I might say I'm fine when I'm really not. Sexual misconduct is an easy one for me to avoid. With a couple exceptions, I've been celibate for the past year, and only feel more strongly about being celibate.
The first four have some room for refinement for me. I could adhere to them a bit more closely, but it is a relaxed effort for me. They are easy to follow. That last one, alcohol and intoxicants, has been a bit more challenging for me. It's odd because it used to be such an easy one for me to follow. In fact, it usually is an easy one to follow. I can go a whole year without getting drunk. And any intoxicant harder than alcohol holds no interest for me. But every once in a while I will drink too much and become heedless. I do reckless things, say rude things, and sometimes embarrass myself. To be fair, I've only been that drunk a few times. I can still count the occasions I've been severely drunk on one hand. Not bad, comparatively. I know of people who have those drunken experiences weekly. But the fifth precept, in terms of alcohol, was one that I thought was a bit silly. No alcohol ever? Seems a bit severe. Isn't it possible to drink in moderation? A little bit with dinner? Maybe a bottle or two with friends? Most of the time I am quite capable of that kind of moderation. In fact, most of my life I have been capable of that kind of moderation. Yet, there are those times when my restraint cracks. Those one or two drinks turn into five or six, then I've had a dozen, then I've had more, now I'm waking up with vomit crusted on my clothing. For that to even happen once in my life is unacceptable, especially, and most importantly, because it was 100% avoidable.
A recent run in with alcohol has made me question my adherence to the fifth precept. My rule about moderation works only most of the time. Can I live with those times that it doesn't? I used to think that I could, but I'm starting to change my mind. I act like I'm so good at controlling myself, but I have proven to myself at least three times that I am not in control. In control "most of the time" is not being in control. Drinking just doesn't seem to be worth the suffering it can cause me or cause others around me. I don't want others to have to look out for me or take care of me because I'm too drunk to do that myself. And I don't want to make a mess of another person's home. I don't want to wake up with a hangover. I don't want to have to worry or monitor myself. I would much rather have the peace of mind that I would have from not drinking.
I can already picture in my mind the people who will be most offended by my line of thinking. But those people don't live my life or have my mind. For them, it might be a sacrifice to live without alcohol, a denying of a pleasure. But the feeling of being drunk has not been pleasurable for me. Sure, there are some pleasures associated with drinking, but those pleasures for me were never the alcohol. I'm a social drinker. I like drinking when it is in the context of a party or a dinner surrounded by friends, making jokes and laughing. The alcohol has nothing to do with that. Take away the alcohol, and I still have the party or dinner, I still have the friends, and I still have the jokes and laughter. What I've removed is the fear of losing control, the risk of over-intoxication, the risk of embarrassment, the anxiety of judgement, the sickness, the vomit. All gone.
I'm still not sure if I intend to get rid of alcohol entirely. I'm debating myself. I can't stand most alcohols. I don't like vodka, tequila, whiskey, or rum overly much. In fact, I don't like them at all. I've only ever imbibed them to get drunk. But over the years I have grown a taste and appreciation for beer and wine. Well, good beer and good wine. It would be a pity to do without the taste of those. Even then, I still like them less than fresh juice, or a refreshing iced tea or lemonade. Even coffee and hot chocolate hold more appeal to me. Even an ice cold coke holds more appeal than a beer. So maybe it won't be the sacrifice for me that it might be for others.
This leads me into a line of thinking I've been having lately about simple pleasures. I could use more of those in my life. My life used to be about simple innocent pleasures. I'd spend hours walking around outside, listening to music, reading a book. I could enjoy silence even more than I do now, which might surprise some people who know my current enjoyment of silence. In a lot of ways I wish that I could see the world through the eyes of a child. There is a child I know who exemplifies the beauty of a child's perspective. This boy tells me every day that today is the best day ever. Every day. He comes up to me smiling and tells me "Today I held a baby chicken" or "Today we made art in class" or "Today I played with my friends" and he ends his account of his day with the same line, "Today is the best day!"
I want that outlook for my own life. I want to look at my day, every day, and say that this is the best day. And I truly think that vowing to refrain from certain actions and living a simpler, less troubled life will do that for me. It comes down to walking my talk, putting my money where my mouth is, or whatever clever thing I could say that means that if I want to be a spiritual person with a rich interior life, then I need to live that life. I need to accept that change doesn't happen on its own, but requires effort and discipline, and I need to accept that effort and discipline are not bad things. In fact, they pay off so much.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Talking in circles
A friend and fellow student mentioned that he enjoyed my blog and asked how it was going and I had this thought of "Oh, yeah! My blog!" Not that I had actually forgotten about my blog, but I usually try to stay away from my blog when I am going through a period of confusion and questioning because I have a terrible habit of contradicting myself and making posts riddled with paradoxes. Not that that is a bad thing. but I usually like to have things a little more thought out before I start rattling on like I have any idea what I'm talking about. And I have been questioning pretty hard lately. I blame all the philosophy that I'm studying.
But I have noticed that the more confused, uncertain, and desperate I become in my search for truth, the more I search and delve into Buddhism. That seems to be the nature of my seeking. I'm always circling Buddhism; no matter how far I get away from it, no matter how confidently I tell others I am not a Buddhist, I'm never very far from it. I don't think that Buddhism is perfect, and I don't think that the suttas are infallible or anything like that. There are a few things I downright disagree with, but the more I explore other paths and philosophies, the more I realize that the disagreements I have with Buddhism are quite superficial. They are tiny non-essential things that irk me, but the core, the essential teachings of Buddhism fill me with a certainty and peace that other philosophies just don't. And, trust me, I've been looking.
There is a balance of heart and mind that deeply resonates in me. It isn't the highly cerebral and puffed up Western philosophy I've been learning in college that is so abstract half the time that one is hard pressed to see the importance of the theories, even though I personally do think they are important. And it isn't the unquestioning faith-based approach to the metaphysical, all heart and no mind, that has a heavy reliance on fairy tales and flies in the face of logic and reason. No, Buddhism is not perfect. And for a long time I kept thinking that I'd find some perfect path out there for me, even if I had to create it myself... but there are no perfect paths. And a path that shows us through direct experience how the mind creates suffering through attachment, aversion, and ignorance, and shows us the value of generosity, loving-kindness, and mindfulness, and gives us the tools to cultivate these qualities has immense value to me.
I'm not saying that Buddhism is the only path that does this. Many paths emphasize balance, generosity, kindness, mindfulness and we could all use more of that! But, where other paths, philosophies, and religions make the pursuit of such qualities secondary to some belief, principle, dogma, worship or practice, Buddhism makes the pursuit of such qualities the primary goal. In this way, I feel that Buddhism is unique.
I will always continue my general study of philosophy, both Eastern and Western, but I'd be lying to myself and others if I didn't admit that my own worldview and spiritual practices are Buddhist in nature.
But I have noticed that the more confused, uncertain, and desperate I become in my search for truth, the more I search and delve into Buddhism. That seems to be the nature of my seeking. I'm always circling Buddhism; no matter how far I get away from it, no matter how confidently I tell others I am not a Buddhist, I'm never very far from it. I don't think that Buddhism is perfect, and I don't think that the suttas are infallible or anything like that. There are a few things I downright disagree with, but the more I explore other paths and philosophies, the more I realize that the disagreements I have with Buddhism are quite superficial. They are tiny non-essential things that irk me, but the core, the essential teachings of Buddhism fill me with a certainty and peace that other philosophies just don't. And, trust me, I've been looking.
There is a balance of heart and mind that deeply resonates in me. It isn't the highly cerebral and puffed up Western philosophy I've been learning in college that is so abstract half the time that one is hard pressed to see the importance of the theories, even though I personally do think they are important. And it isn't the unquestioning faith-based approach to the metaphysical, all heart and no mind, that has a heavy reliance on fairy tales and flies in the face of logic and reason. No, Buddhism is not perfect. And for a long time I kept thinking that I'd find some perfect path out there for me, even if I had to create it myself... but there are no perfect paths. And a path that shows us through direct experience how the mind creates suffering through attachment, aversion, and ignorance, and shows us the value of generosity, loving-kindness, and mindfulness, and gives us the tools to cultivate these qualities has immense value to me.
I'm not saying that Buddhism is the only path that does this. Many paths emphasize balance, generosity, kindness, mindfulness and we could all use more of that! But, where other paths, philosophies, and religions make the pursuit of such qualities secondary to some belief, principle, dogma, worship or practice, Buddhism makes the pursuit of such qualities the primary goal. In this way, I feel that Buddhism is unique.
I will always continue my general study of philosophy, both Eastern and Western, but I'd be lying to myself and others if I didn't admit that my own worldview and spiritual practices are Buddhist in nature.
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